Sleepy Haze


As I lay down next to him in a sleepy haze, he put his arm and leg around me and snuggled even closer. “Mummy sing me a song”, he whispers.

I move his curly locks from his eyes and stroke his soft hair. I sigh under my breath and think of the time.  Silence hangs in the air I think about how many nights I’ve sung to him and the chores that are awaiting me, but tonight I’m feeling rushed, again.

My mind races to all the emails that need to be sent, blogs that needs be written, tweets need to be tweeted, Pins needs to be added. The list buzzes through my head.. dishes, pack lunches need to be made, washing to be hung on the clothes horse.  I sigh…  It’s going to be another long night and my new best friend Mac is waiting for me…

He seems to have taken over my life and most days and evenings are spent together. A while back, Rio was in the spotlight and you could hear sweet music being strung into the wee hours.  Now my guitar gathers dust and is tucked away in it’s case. These days, the sound of the keyboard is my company…

I think of my other two kids who also need snuggles. My beautiful girl is patiently waiting for me next door and I know she would want me to lead her into a magical meditation.  A meditation filled with unicorns, fairies, butterflies and rainbows.  Her twin brother will be content with a goodnight kiss.

I start to sing a song… his song that I make up especially for him. He looks at me, his soft golden eyes, glowing like the sun and whispers ”mummy I really felt that, that was really beautiful” His heart is filled with joy and contentment and I know he will now be ready to slumber peacefully through the night.

He murmurs that I should go on the x factor.  I laugh out loud at the thought and I tell him that it won’t happen in a million years. He tells me I’m not being nice to myself and don’t believe in myself…. Finally, he instructs me to be a like a child, to be young and free.  The words stick in my head but I hush him down.  I kiss him gently on the forehead and make my way to do the rounds.

These days, being bound to time seems to stress me out. Motherhood is challenging and it doesn’t help when I’m trying to get everything done by a certain time. It feels like my hands are tied up tightly and I stumble hard to meet the demands.

I feel my body freezing up daily, so much so, that no matter if I do a yoga session in the morning, my body feels the same in a few hours later.

Feeling rushed fires me up.  I want to scream to the world STOP! Just let me be and let me breathe…

It’s late now and by the time I get downstairs, there’s a storm brewing outside.  The incense has burnt out and I’m left with the homely smell of Nag Champa.  Rain drops bash hard against the window. I hear the rustle of leaves outside and random things being thrown around from the gusty winds.

I glance at the likes from my FB post and huff at the irony of it.

It reads: forget not that the earth delights to feel the feet and the winds playing with your hair – Khalil Gibran.

I sigh and wish I could take a leaf out of that poem…. to sink my toes deep into Mother, to walk and connect, to let my hair flow freely in the winds… to be free without any bounds of time, space or reality.

I remind myself of how we can all make positive changes. I have the power to make a difference to my world. And when I’m not rushed, life flows beautifully, it seems easy.  But here I am and life seems tipped off balance.

S seems to be away a lot these days.  There’s a sense of longing and loneliness, but still, I plod on. Trying to set up a new business and juggling other deep passions in my life whilst being a mama is not easy.  It runs deep through my blood and veins and sometimes, I can feel my potential bursting within my chest with nowhere to go.  Maybe, just maybe, I feel I have taken on too much…

But a girl can dream and touch those stars that seem so near, even through her stubborn Taurean trait… I’ll quieten my passions just for a while and focus on my nest, but I’ll never let it die.

It isn’t such a bad thing I figure, as this is a blessing in disguise. A lesson that needs to be learned. I tick them off one by one, in my head.  Being present, enjoying every moment, opening my heart fully, holding it there, really listening.

I remind myself that the only moment we have is now, and it will never happen again, those first moments and milestones, birthdays and memories.  How time slips through your fingers like sand…

I’m still now.  I try to embed this vision in my field.  I breathe and realise that every day has an opportunity to be wonderful, every day is something new and unique. Everyday I will try and savour each moment that I have, and witness my three growing up.

Over and over I remind myself to not live in the future…  wondering or thinking about it, because all I have is now, all that matters is now…. This is where the magic happens and life is happening before my eyes.

The sleepy haze has settled over Broken Gate Lane and I’ve finally realised the preciousness of time and how fleeting life really is.